THE SHOE TREE

This month, noted spiritual guru Baba Rhum Gas opens his meditation, healing, and automotive center here in Todos Santos. El Calendario sent Michael Mercer for an exclusive interview.

EL CALENDARIO: Baba, rumor has it you came to Mexico because of tax problems with your chain of Baba Rhum Gas Sweat Lodges in the states. True?

BABA RHUM GAS: It is not necessary to address Baba as "O Great One," and so I will not insist. I have come to Todos Santos to offer much-needed spiritual guidance.

EC: But Todos Santos already has meditation groups, growth workshops, nature retreats . . . even a drumming group. We're up to our eyeballs in spirituality.

BABA: I will not speak ill of those who would promote such activities, for they are seeking the truth and the light. But they are charlatans, out to turn a fast buck. Come to The Shoe Tree and learn the difference.

EC: The Shoe Tree. So called because you insist that all who enter must take off their shoes.

BABA: An ancient Japanese Buddhist tradition. Open weekdays, 10 to 7.

EC: But the Japanese give them back when you leave.

BABA: To attain true enlightenment you must let go of earthly possessions. We start with your shoes, by week 5 you will have signed over your land to me. By week 10 your bank account is empty. You have attained the highest state of being.

EC: Bankruptcy?

BABA: Dharma. Your cynicism is appalling. I think you need your chakras realigned. Two-for-one special, this month only.

EC: How do you take people's land and stay enlightened yourself?

BABA: I have meditated for years on this contradiction. I can handle it.

EC: And the money?

BABA: For the children of the ranchos. Don't worry, I'll see that they get it.

EC: Ever see The Night Of The Hunter?

BABA: The Shoe Tree also offers tarot readings, yoga, and amateur dentistry.

EC: How about Elmer Gantry?

BABA: Come into The Quiet Room, next to the gift shop, and commune with dead in-laws. All credit cards accepted.

EC: Yes, I see here you have zen basketweaving, personal writing workshops . . .

BABA: No matter how bad your poetry, the instructor will not laugh out loud. She studied five years in Tibet to acquire this discipline.

EC: Acupuncture, massage, tantric sex . . . ?

BABA: I'll be teaching that class myself. Space is limited. Send photo with application. Tuesday is Ladies' Night. Free cocktails.

EC: And the "Todos Santos Horns"? What's that, music lessons?

BABA: The "Big 3" religions insist that before you express yourself with a trumpet or tuba you must first "learn how to play." Nonsense. Baba Rhum Gas says let your inner child pass through the brass, in a safe and supportive environment. Wail, baby.

EC: Forgive my cynicism, but it sounds like this Shoe Tree is just a ripoff of that other "Tree" thing.

BABA: My blessings to those who lay their cash elsewhere--we are all God's chillun--but they're barking up the wrong Tree. Mine is the only path to true inner growth.

EC: I had an inner growth once. Needed surgery to have it removed.

BABA: This world is full of sarcasm, we don't need more. In a truly spiritual world people like you would be put in camps.

EC: Perhaps, but this paper has learned you only opened The Shoe Tree--with volunteer labor--so you could sell the building for a fat profit. Why is it the ones proclaiming loudest about spirituality are always working some sort of angle?

BABA: 72 hours in Baba's sweat lodge would do you a world of good.

EC: Yes, we've heard how you discipline followers who dare to question you. Is it the search for a strong father that leads people into these cults?

BABA: When I apply hot coals to your feet it's for your own good. This will hurt me more than it hurts you. Get a job.

EC: Thanks, Baba, but we'll follow our own spiritual journey, in our own quiet, non-commercial way.

BABA: Baba grieves for you, my son. You're missing an opportunity to expand your mind, heart, and soul. A little down, I could make you a silent partner. Ka-ching.

EC: In any case, we welcome you to Todos Santos, Baba Rhum Gas, and wish you good luck. There is no one too weird for this town, even you.

BABA: Try the Sunday Brunch. All-you-can-eat tofu and bean sprouts. We take personal checks.

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